Stuff I've Learned: How to Pass for a Native New Yorker

Came across a couple of articles on the Interwebs today that I thought you'd find either apt, incensing or hysterical. They happen to be at NYPost.com. BTW, I never read the NY Post, even when they pass them out in the mornings for free. Is reading the Post one of those things only natives do? But I digress.

How to Pass for a Native New Yorker is a profile of the Magic Garden, a party you can't get into unless you can prove--by answering a battery of tricky questions--that you were raised in NYC. The woman who organizes the event is quoted as saying,"New Yorkers have this reputation of being cold and pushy. But it's really only the people who move here from somewhere else who act that way." Nice theory...might be true. Come to think of it, I don't know a lot of born and bred New Yorkers.

The article goes on to say, "Schneider, ...started the Magic Garden in 2001 to build connections among locals in a city overflowing with transplants from across the country." Is that a little xenophobia I smell? Still, the idea of a reconnecting with old classmates and kids from the neighborhood is nice. You know what they say about wanting to be a part of a club that doesn't want you as a member. Now, I'm intrigued. Could we transplants start our own exclusive party? You get in not by proving you went to my high school, but by proving you're lost, lonely and bewildered--together, we could figure out why we're all so "cold and pushy."

If you're trying to pass for a native New Yorker, you could follow these words of advice. I'm no judge of what's native, but these tips seem pretty accurate. Though they do give the impression that our city's full of impatient assholes, don't they?

What do you think makes a person "native"? The way you dress? How fast you talk? Your level of snarkiness? How unphased you are by puppies, babies and Hallmark ads? How you don't think twice about walking ten blocks in heels? Your strong calves and ugly feet? I'll think on this if you do.

P.S. OMG. Our work is done. Check it out. Time Out NY's take on this is brilliant.